My letter to chemotherapy

Coming out of what was possibly one of the hardest weeks of my 33 years to date.

Chemotherapy I underestimated you. Chemo does two things, attacks the bad cells and attacks the good cells. In the process you get better but also in the process you get sick, and when you get sick it of course takes longer to recover because if it didn’t it would be too easy hey! Your immune system is hit in a way like never before. It’s a weird feeling, you can’t be mad or angry with chemo because it’s making you better but your mad and angry with it because it’s making you sick. You have to find a way to accept it. The problem is when you are sick it wipes your reserves and each day gets a little tougher. When your physically state suffers in bangs on the door of your already a tad fragile mental state. For a positive person, it got me. It ate away at my good and pushed me to a place where I felt more vulnerable than ever before. Sleepless nights waking up thinking everything possible. You sit and tell yourself STOP but your mind wanders more like it wants to rebel against the inner optimist. This is simply exhaustion, exhaustion physically and mentally. The one thing I repeated to myself was THIS IS TEMPORARY, a few days from now I won’t feel as sick and my mood will lIft, it’s temporary! …..and it did just that.

I think sometimes going to a dark place can be used to move forward in a more understanding way. You learn a lot about strength.

I needed to go there to understand I shouldn’t have expectations. With expectations come disappointment. Who wants to be disappointed! I’m not saying loose hope because I’ll never loose hope, but don’t expect too much from yourself. Your health is everything so you really must allow your body to heal. Wake up and tackle each day as you can, take the good with the bad and don’t let the bad days define your journey. My chemo cycle at the moment will leave me having 4 or 5 days which aren’t the best but I’m left improving the other 15 days, that’s 15 days to restore energy levels and enjoy. I have accepted I will have lower days instead of trying to fight that fact. Being too strong can work against you. It’s not about falling apart totally it’s just being realistic and kind to yourself allowing yourself to fall a little to rebuild stronger.

The future can be daunting but it doesn’t have to be thought about and planned out when you have the now to live.

This below makes a huge lot of sense

“Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles it takes away today’s peace”

I at times can be caught out by thoughts of the future, so much so It takes my breath away. It’s hard not to, it’s habit. We all plan for the future it’s “what you do” I don’t want to plan anymore. I want to look forward with hope but really take in the beauty of each day. Things will be just as they should.

Over complicating the mind is no good for the health of your soul it’s so damaging and only becomes second nature if you keep doing it.

Chemotherapy you are an absolute pain in my back side but I am thankful I have you as a choice, you are going to play a big part of me getting better. I’ll let the bad days teach me something new and wonderful about myself and the good days will help me do just that on my bad days.

I now understand chemo life and I’m sure I’ll continue to learn more. To anyone else on this crazy journey, don’t let it defeat you, it will make you stronger and it will certainly make your good days even better. Remember this is temporary.

Allow yourself to fall apart a little, let go a little, but only to rebuild this time a little stronger than before, make a crappy situation somewhat worth while, if we have to endure this learn to accept it.

Loosing balance is ok, it makes us stronger

Love Sarah

Xxx

19 thoughts on “My letter to chemotherapy

  1. Sarah
    I have read every sentence above and I’m very touched by your words.
    A lot of people will say stay strong but if they’ve read what you have said they will already know you are are stronger than strongest human being x

    1. Thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words. Being open and honest helps getting it out of my head , sitting back and looking at it and thinking …you know what this could be a lot worse …and then I continue on feeling stronger from it x

  2. You’re a strong awesome lady! Carry on being strong. Take the help from friends and families when needed of course but if you need time alone then let them know… they will understand x always stay positive!!! I’ve been there aged 26 with life threatening bowel cancer…..I’m still here cheering people on at Cadwell.
    Love my life 💖 don’t ever give up!

    1. ❤️ thank you , and I like positivity and sounds like that is you …so thank you. I hope life is giving you everything you deserve and next time at Cadwell give Jake a cheer too 😂😉 xxx

  3. Hi Sarah,
    You’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head. Chemo days are exhaustive and just when you you pick youself up for a few days the calendar calls you up for your next bout. I had to inject my wife’s stomach after each chemo and care for her when she was down, but each time she got up again “stronger”.
    I’m with you all the from a distance but be assured many people are with you in mind, so wake up breath and become stronger than ever before.

    Love to you

    Graham M.

    1. Thank you graham, you I guess feel what my Jake is going through to, he’s been my rock, loved me unconditionally, we get married next year and I think the vow ‘in sickness and in health’ have been ticked! Think we will write our own!
      I hope your wife is ok and enjoying life , I hope you both are

      Thank you x

      1. Keep on doing what you’re doing… Sarah….You are an inspiration. ….BobnSan Mac xx

  4. Sarah
    I am not sure if you remember me from my days at Honda, but I can remember a lovely young girl helping her mum in the paddock with Sally’s catering truck.
    It is obvious from the spirit that you are showing that you have become a beautiful and strong young woman. Keep the positive winning attitude going and with the support of so many people I am sure you will not only win your personal battle but help others with there’s.
    Best wishes
    Chris Barfe

  5. Sarah, I am completely fascinated about healthy nutrition and natural therapies. On my journey, I have discovered “The truth about the cancer” (you can find it on youtube if you have the curiosity), and have heard about Hoxsey clinic in Mexico.
    Have a look and see if it makes sense to you.
    Wishing you all the best! Love. Ana

    1. Thank you for response also this is part of the reason for my blog to share my story, hope to touch others and also get feedback myself from others so we come together , strength in numbers
      Xx

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