Sometimes we get lost in ourselves. It’s not just you, we all at times forget how to love ourselves. There are people that are so confident that they appear not to have a care in the world but I’m sure at times even those people forget how to truly love themselves.
I have always struggled with confidence and sometimes relied on others to love me instead, just so I can love myself. Always waiting on someone to say ,” you look nice today”, “you’re looking trim”, “you seem happy”, in turn making me feel that way. On the opposite side, “you look tired” ,” I thought you didn’t look as toned” , “you don’t look happy today”, “you don’t seem yourself”, again In turn I instantly feel that way even if didn’t in the first place. Because my downfall, which I’m happy to admit, is listening to others opinions, the good and the bad of me, myself. Only I know myself truly but yet I define myself at times on what others think of me. I’m not blaming others because I ask for it, I sometimes need it to make me feel better about myself because my own confidence is low.
You see all of this is unsustainable. It’s like anything , if you seek happiness in a bottle of wine , you may find it for a couple hours but you soon come out the other side feeling worse than before. You can’t sustain happiness for yourself if you can’t find it within yourself depending on only you because at the end of the day you are the only constant, you know you better than anyone yet still I will rely on something else to make me happy.
I’m not saying this is the case always however I still forget about my own self confidence putting on others instead of feeling it for myself.
When I was 15/16 I struggled with my body confidence I was never over 9 stone and looking back I was a slim teenager but I never felt it. I constantly would compare myself to young women in their 20’s forgetting I was still in my teens and I had still a lot of growing in my own skin to do. Instead I took it too another level, I felt out of control in my state of mind so I took control in another way. I decided I needed to loose weight so I obsessed over calories living off no more that 600 a day at one point. I remember a shopping trip with my mum, I was frail, so so slim but I didn’t feel it. A size 6 but still not happy. I remember passing out whilst walking around the shops because I simply had no energy. Another shopping trip with my mum we went with her friend and daughter. Her friend watched me grow up and i can remember looking at her seeing the worry in her face, for me. In the changing rooms I came out to show them my outfit and her expression was one of concern. At the time in my head I had gone to all this trouble to loose weight because I was searching for happiness in myself. But I was taking this to the extreme. I think now, not only what I was doing to my health but what I was putting those close through especially my mum, she was so worried for me and I was so selfish because I had become someone who didn’t care, I was obsessed with my weight. It had taken complete control on my life In such a short space of time. I lost friendships , friends were annoyed with my obsession at school over food and I pushed people away. My mum made me an appointment at the doctors and it was at that point verging 6 1/2 stone that I knew even in myself this wasn’t right. I was told quite directly this would damage my health servilely if I was to carry on and by my 30’s , where I am now , I would be seriously ill, oestrioprotis, teeth and gum problems, fertility issues the list goes on. I remember that day leaving the doctors and my dad taking me for a drink , I sat and was so scared and realised then no more. I had a cup of tea and a biscuit for the first time in months I wasn’t counting calories and said no more.
Now I’m in my 30’s fit and healthy apart from my bouts of IC I’m in control of my health. I exercise , I eat healthy and I enjoy my life. There are times where I feel I see something in the mirror different to what others see, I can still be hard on myself and my body and still at times need others to tell me I look good for me to feel it. But I feel half of the issue is knowing and admitting this to yourself. I know that it is me that needs to be happy in myself and I’m always working on that but I work hard as I would never want to become obsessed that it takes over my life. I have my own little gremlins the things I may dislike about myself but it makes me sad to feel that way about myself. You must remember to find the love in you. I could never be that person full of myself, radiant with confidence and not afraid to show it as that’s not me. But you must I guess never judge people that appear to have it all in your eyes as they may be dealing with battles of their own. I believe that working on your own happiness never stops , your own confidence is something that is at times very difficult to figure out.
I wanted to share this as this is why I started my blog. A place to open up and write, write about my experiences and share.
The one lesson I have learnt is believing in yourself and that loving yourself is paramount. I don’t have children so my focus is purely on me but the day I have children I wish to share my confidence and self worth with them too.
You can’t sustain love and affection from others only yourself. Love and affection from others should only ever be the cherry on the top , that little couple percent that gives you that happy feeling inside the other 98% should come from you. When you are happy inside you exude such a lovely contagious happiness that allows YOU to shine through.
Don’t keep searching for happiness, the grass will always be greener and you will never stop the search. Instead try your hardest to find it within and live in the moment not the past or future, the now and enjoy every moment you can.